If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
