somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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