....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
