Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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