There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
