awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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