I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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