Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize