Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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