Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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