Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So much Jack, so little girl.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
