we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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