In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
