Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
