She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
