I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
