Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I want you more than these girls want KFC
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
how does that bad decision feel?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
