Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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