i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
