She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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