so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
