I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
