the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
