just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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