I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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