Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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