ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Ketchup is God's man juice
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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