Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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