i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
