When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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