Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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