If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
