I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
