And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
