Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
