You're my little dorito
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
