my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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