she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
