I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
