hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
