I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
BRING THE BAGELS
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
