I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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