Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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