thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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