I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
