the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
