I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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