I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
