that's an acceptable place to lick
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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