That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
porn star boner night. come get it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
