She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
