I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
