i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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